Pre-Day 1...couldn't wait till it arrived.

I had some Cleanse in my fridge and decided I had enough. This came after I sat in front of the TV with a bowl of strawberry ice cream and a jar of natural PB (which I shouldn't even have in the house with Nicholas' allergies)and I housed quite a bit of it. When I was watching a movie with the kids earlier I swear the ice cream was calling my name. I wanted to eat it then but then I would have to share with the kids..I wanted the PB and Nicholas can't be near it so I waited. The minute they were in bed I practically ran to the freezer. Pathetic yes..the truth..yes. Anyway I laid in bed last night..burping up PB..it was the natural kind so it is much nuttier and thicker..so it stuck with me to remind me of my sins..thanks! Anyway I laid their and thought about my relationship with food. How I can not find the balance in my life with food (well with anything actually but that is another blog). I thought about how I feel when I indulge and then how I feel afterward. Ugh. I then thought, as a parent, if I saw my kids doing this I would intervene..yet us moms do it all the time. We eat like there is no tomorrow then wonder why we have to grease ourselves up to get into the pants that fit last week. Ugh..the definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and time again and expecting different results.

That brings me to Day 1. Different results..different tactic. I am starting an Isagenix 30 day cleanse. So I have already had 4 oz of Cleanse for life. Can't say I would drink it if I had to buy it off the shelf as a beverage of choice..but for a nutritional drink it is pretty good. Especially when you know all the good stuff that is in it. Makes it work the quick swallow. I didn't sleep well last night and the tension in the house was thick this morning. Kathryn threw up on her own spit so we are home from church. Anyway all this to say...I really wanted to drive to Turkey Hill and get a French Vanilla to sooth my issues. But now that and things like that are what got me into this unhealthy life style for a reason. Some of you reading this..if any one reads this...may not think I have unhealthy lifestyles..you may say that is nothing compared to what I do. But what is unhealthy for me is unhealthy for me..and I want to live my life to the fullest while I am still blessed with my next breath. Tomorrow is not promised so make the most of today.

This is 30 days long..that is a long freaking time. I looked at the calendar and realized this will take me till April 13th I think. That 30 days will include a 2 day seminar at church, Easter dinner and the coveted Women's Retreat...ugh what do I do for that. I want to pre plan and make a list etc..but I have decided to take one day at a time. Today is today and nothing more.

So join me on this journey..it may be boring for you though. Because I will be posting often. More then I should. Don't know the rules about blogging...not into journaling so this is new. If I want a snack that I can not have I will be coming to the blog. And mind you there is nothing I can not have in this world..I chose not to have it (food wise of course) Sure I can go drink my FV Capp. But that defeats the purpose of my 30 day journey to better health. And I will be open and honest about feelings, up and downs, binges, hunger etc. I will not be talking about my home life much, I am in the middle of a divorce of which I caused..my sin was BIG and I will never deny that. But I do not want a divorce. I love my husband and I am holding on with all my might. I have 2 beautiful children. Kathryn who is 4.5 will be entering K next year. She has Down syndrome. Nicholas is 3.5 and he will be in pre K next year ( I have home schooled till now). He has asthma and allergies. (we are in the middle of an asthma flare now.) OK BOOHOO somethings are a bit tougher in my life then others..but man am I blessed with those trial and tribulations. There are no coincidences in life if you believe in God and oh do I believe.

Oh and I am ADD (self diagnosed) so when I type it is how I think..so if I don't finish a sentence..welcome to the world of my poor family...what is she talking about..I don't know just nod...she will think she has made her point..:)

Next entry will be all my stats. It sucks hard core because I was stable at 140 before the holidays. Not so much now. I can feel it. 5-10 lb gain didn't matter when I was 250. But it sure does now. I can lose 100 lbs but I can't lose the last 10-20. SO here we go. It comes down to the last of the weight, the last of the unhealthy eating habits...and learning to create balance in my life at the same time.